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Welcome to Episode 156 of The Non-anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before I get into today's episode, I want to remind you that there is still time to qualify for the live Q and A that I will be doing on Wednesday, January 19 at 01:00 p.m.. Eastern time. The only way to qualify is to refer somebody to my email list. If you're already on my list, you get regular emails and in those emails is a unique referral link. You forward that link to a friend, you get them to sign up for my list and you automatically qualify for the Q and A, and if you're not already on my list, you can go to thenonanxiousleader.com you can sign up, and the next emails that you get you will have your unique referral link.

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And just in case, you can't make the actual live session, it will be recorded so you can watch it at your convenience. Now, without further Ado, here is Episode 156, How to Break the Cycle of Chronic Emotional Patterns. This episode is a follow up to Episode 155, which explains chronic emotional patterns or what Edwin Friedman would call a chronic condition. If you haven't listened to that go back so you can understand how these chronic conditions work and how they are sustained.

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According to family systems theory, a chronic condition is a recurring emotional pattern in which people are unable to selfdifferentiated. This increases anxiety in the system and makes it harder for everyone to function. The pattern typically begins with one person defining the other. This could be through criticism, unhelpful advice, or making a demand of the other. The person being defined then reacts or adapts. In the reactive case, getting defensive or argumentative makes things more anxious and contentious and creates a conflict of Wills. Things rarely get better from there.

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This is all about self-definition, and consequently, emotional connection suffers. This type of pattern is characterized by increasingly heated exchanges until a point that a blow up occurs, things may stabilize for a while, but then the pattern repeats. In the adaptive case, the person being defined simply gives in clearly, this is about togetherness and emotional connection. Self definition is nowhere to be found. There's one caveat here. A chronic adaptive pattern can occur even when the initiating person is self differentiated. When the initiating person makes a request and the other person perceives it as a demand and can't say no, then a chronic pattern can still develop.

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In the more typical case, the person making the demand is expressing a dependency that needs to be fulfilled by the other person. Complying with whatever they ask. The adaptive one will grow increasingly resentful and will likely triangle someone or something else as a means of managing their own anxiety. A typical triangle might be substance abuse, or it could be choosing a friend or companion that is disliked by the initiating one to precipitate some sort of conflict. This is typically done unwittingly, but as a way to get back at the person because one can't self define, one can't stand up and it's always adapting it's always giving in.

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Of course, neither kind of triangle is healthy or effective. From here on out, I'm going to assume you are the one on the receiving end of another trying to define you. And in the past, you've either reacted or adapted to sustain the pattern. If you're listening to this podcast, you likely have enough self awareness and motivation to change that. You're looking for a way to disrupt one or more anxious emotional patterns in your life.

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And if you're the one initiating a pattern by defining another, just stop it. You know better. All kidding aside, if you are in this situation, ask yourself, what am I needing out of this? As I am doing this, how can I take responsibility for myself, then start doing it? It's not easy, but it's much easier than when you are on the receiving end of someone else's dependency. Regardless, there's one important thing that gets overlooked when trying to break the cycle of chronic conditions. I find the most helpful thing to remember is that the initiator in a chronic condition is pushing for togetherness in family systems theory, criticism, advice, and demands are all an expression of a desire for emotional connection.

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Ironically, when the response is reactive, the result is just the opposite. Instead of healthy emotional connection, there is connection laced with conflict and anxiety. It's still connection, but it's not healthy. So when you are thinking about the other, remind yourself that what they really desire is to be connected to you. This is a good thing. They're just having a hard time doing it in a healthy way. The question is, how do you get there? Breaking the cycle of a chronic condition will ultimately require you to take a nonanxious stand.

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Edwin Friedman uses the term nonanxious emotional stand, but it's important to recognize that he's not talking about emotionality. He's talking about emotional process. You need to take a stand about what you are thinking, believing and feeling. You need to be able to express yourself in a nonanxious way. The emotional component of a nonexistent stand is not that you get emotional. It's that you're expressing what's going on inside of you. Regardless, a lot of work has to take place before you can get to the point of breaking the pattern.

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Step one is preparation. Reflect on the pattern itself. How does it get started? How do you respond? How do things degenerate? What you're trying to do here is to understand the emotional process that's occurring so you can start to respond differently. Understanding the triggers as well as how you respond as either reactive or adaptive, is essential to changing the script. Let's take an example that your father continually gives you advice about your career. A reactive response would be to say, it's my life. Leave me alone.

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Maybe you're self defining, but you're telling him what to do. Even worse, you could go on the offensive. You don't care about me. You just want me to make you look good. This may be true, but it's not helpful. It's defining him instead of taking a healthy stand. If you're adaptive, you may just say, okay, dad, thanks for the advice. Then you do what he says and drink a lot, or you don't do what he says, which is passive aggressive. In this case, the toll that it takes is on you, not him.

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Preparation is most important, so you can reflect on the patterns, understand the triggers, and the reactive or adaptive responses that are typical in these patterns. Step two is to think about how you really want to respond. What would it mean to self define in a healthy way? How will the other respond? What will you do next? In crafting a healthy response? It's always good to acknowledge healthy emotional connection. Regardless of whether you've been adaptive or reactive in the past. You can start with something like, I know you really care about me, dad.

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I appreciate that I care about you too. And what you think means a lot to me. Notice how this is responding to the push for togetherness while expressing yourself and remaining a self. What follows is really important. This is your nonanxious stand. It's focused on self definition without getting defensive or argumentative, and it's best if it immediately follows your expression of connection. So you might say, I know you really care about me, dad. I appreciate that I care about you too. And what you think means a lot to me, but I think about this a lot, and I'm comfortable with the decisions I'm making.

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I'd love for you to support me, but if you can't, I understand. Either way, I still love you. Okay, now there's a lot going on here. There's the acknowledgement of connection. There's the selfdefinition. There's a request for support, which is a request for connection, but also a creation of some emotional space. By saying, It's okay. If dad doesn't support your decision and that you still love him, you're giving him space to be himself while avoiding a conflict of Wills. Step three is to prepare yourself for the pushback or sabotage.

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If this is truly a chronic pattern, a chronic condition, then dad will not be happy about the fact that you're no longer reacting or adapting. He may not have liked the reactivity, but there is a certain comfort in predictable things, and if he's used to adaptivity, this will not make him happy again. You can probably predict how he will respond. It could be with a barrage of nonanxious words or an angry silence and emotional withdrawal. In the case of the latter, you'll need to be prepared not to pursue him emotionally.

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That's what he wants. If you do, then you'll likely get sucked into the same old patterns by giving him space. You're giving him a chance to think things through. He'll either come back and you'll have a conversation, which means you've made progress or he'll come back at you even more intensely. And you'll have to be prepared. Whether an intense response occurs immediately or after some delay, you want to prepare yourself to respond as you might in any anxious situation. The most basic response is to listen, use open ended questions like who, what, when, where, and how?

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Avoiding why? Because that can shut down a conversation. Perhaps by listening, you can get an actual conversation started. If nothing else, it can help reduce the anxiety in the moment. A more advanced response is to say something without arguing or agreeing so you could prepare yourself to say, I'm glad I know how you feel. That makes me feel loved. Notice how you are expressing yourself. You're staying emotionally connected, but you are not getting sucked into a conflict of Wills. Finally, you could get paradoxical and playful.

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Paradox is doing the opposite of what seems right. It's calling the other on their Bluff or ultimatum. You could say you may be right, dad. I don't know. I'll tell you what. Let's bet a dollar on this. If in two years I've made the wrong decision, I'll pay up and we can talk. If not, you can pay me and I'll buy you ice cream. The whole point of any of these responses is to self regulate and avoid a conflict of wills. But to break the cycle, you need to be able to maintain your stand in a nonanxious way to do so without getting defensive or argumentative.

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And of course, without giving in altogether. Step four is to lather rinse and repeat. The lather part is actually to try out what you've prepared, then you'll need to reflect and reboot. Things will rarely go the way you want or expect the first time through. There's a reason it's a chronic condition. It's possible, even likely that you'll fold under pressure. That's okay. It took time for this pattern to develop, and it will take time to unwind it. Understanding it and being willing to try puts you way ahead of where you were.

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Finally, this is where a therapist, coach or friend can help you process things and improve. It will help you get out of your head and keep some perspective. It's not easy work, but I found that the more you do it, the better you get at. Notice I didn't say it gets easier, at least for me. I always find it hard to respond to situations like this as a nonanxious presence. It's work, but it's worth the work that's it for Episode 156. Don't forget to connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com sign up for my email list so you can refer somebody and qualify for the Live Q and A on January 19 at 01:00 p.m.. Eastern. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.