I have a friend who is a crisis manager. She says that a fundamental crisis communication principle is to express, “I’m aware and I care.” When I heard this, I said, “Yes!”

This simple saying embodies what it means to be a non-anxious presence when dealing with anxious people. It captures family systems theory, self-differentiation and how to be a non-anxious leader in a nutshell.

It’s safe to assume that in a crisis, anxiety levels will be higher. Even when things haven’t gotten to crisis level, uncertainty, discomfort with change and unforeseen challenges can make people anxious and make leadership harder.

Just remember, “I’m aware and I care.”

“I’m aware” takes responsibility for self, while acknowledging the situation at hand. It’s the non-anxious part of the non-anxious presence. When you do this without getting defensive or argumentative, it signals to others that you are dealing with the situation regardless of who’s at fault. You may or may not be at fault. The important point is that you are doing what you can to address the situation without pointing fingers or trying to escape blame.

“I care” signals emotional connection. It is the presence part of the non-anxious presence. It shows that you respect how someone else is feeling, regardless of whether you think they are being rational or treating you fairly. If “I’m aware” is about taking responsibility for self, then “I care” is letting others be themselves without trying to convince them they need to change how they think and feel.

Emotional connection with anxious people is counter-intuitive. When people are anxious, combative or resistant, the last thing we want to do is move closer to them. But connecting with them in a way that says “I care” is essential. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. It doesn’t mean you have to appease. It simply means that you are willing to walk side-by-side with them through whatever challenges you face.

I knew a pastor who had about 25 families leave the church he served because of the decisions he made surrounding COVID. I advised him to call each family and let them know that he understood they were leaving and that was their choice (“I’m aware”), as well as to tell them that whatever they decided they would either go with his blessing or be welcomed back with open arms (“I care”). It turns out that most of the families said they would be back but were being supportive of a particularly influential member.

When the pastor talked to this member, he found out that COVID had been especially hard on him and his family. There had been significant illness and job loss. By acknowledging his losses and connecting emotionally, he kept the door open for future communication and even reconciliation.

I never found out how it all worked out, but I know that this pastor did the right thing. He remained true to his convictions while remaining a non-anxious presence with the most anxious and resistant around him. His actions and his words told them, “I’m aware and I care.”

This is what non-anxious leaders do.