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Welcome to episode 150, I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into today's episode, I want to let you know that I have compiled a list of ten episodes that if you are new to this podcast or if you want to go back and review family systems theory, that's the place to start, thanks to the friend who suggested it, and also to all of you who sent in your suggestions. You can find that list at thenonanxiousleader.com/podcast.

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And now without further Ado, here is episode 150, 5 Steps to Deeper Emotional Connection. Today's episode comes from an article that I found in BBC Work Life titled The Conversational Habits That Build Better Connections by David Robson. A lot of the content that I provide in this podcast deals with how to be a nonaxious presence in nonanxious situations. However, if you want to be a nonanxious self-differentiated leader, you also want to focus on building healthy connections even in nonanxious situations. And I think this article helps us to do just that.

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The first step to building deeper emotional connection is to ask questions. If you've listened to this podcast for any amount of time, you know that one of the ways I recommend to remain a nonanxious presence in challenging situations is to listen. But listening is good. Even when it's not an anxious situation, it can help foster the kind of emotional connection that is healthy and will deepen the bonds with those who matter most in your family of origin and in the systems that you lead. The article cites the research of Karen Wong from Georgetown University, who found that asking questions made people significantly more likable.

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In one of her studies, she analyzed conversations at a speed dating event and found that the number of questions asked by a participant could predict the chances of getting a date. She also found in follow up studies that asking a follow up question that goes deeper into a previous point is more appealing than a question that changes the topic or simply mirrors what somebody has already asked you. So it's important to ask questions that continue the conversation that further the relationship rather than simply asking random questions.

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The bottom line here is that people like talking about themselves. The important thing here is that we are not just trying to be more likable by letting other people talk.

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We do genuinely want to deepen our bonds with them. And the way I like to think this in positive terms is to be genuinely curious. You'll not only learn interesting things about the other person, but you'll learn interesting things about life in general. The second step to deeper emotional connection is to beware empathy. Edwin Friedman would agree with this wholeheartedly.

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He said that empathy was not helpful for selfdifferentiation because it would lower our threshold to the pain of others and cause us to over function, taking responsibility for them instead of letting them experience their own pain. I don't entirely agree with this because I think if you are self aware and intentional, you can show empathy for others without taking responsibility for them. However, this article gives another reason to be very intentional about being empathetic. The reason it cites is that we are egocentric and that our empathy is rarely as accurate as we think.

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Our perspective is based on our own experiences, and we fail to differentiate between our experience and that of the other person.

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And according to Nicholas Epley from the University of Chicago, our egocentrism is actually worse with somebody we'd know than a stranger, which he calls the closeness communication bias because we assume that those we are close to are more like us. We have this bias where we are not able to accurately read what is going on with the other. These words of caution are helpful because they remind us that oftentimes it's just better to be curious about what's going on with the other person and ask questions instead of trying to determine this for ourselves.

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I find this insight really helpful because I often spend time trying to understand what is going on with another, but I feel a bit chastened here, and I will focus more on asking questions in the future. I'm going to try to remember to carry a good dose of humility with me whenever I'm doing this because of what I have learned here.

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The third step to deeper connection is to favor familiarity over originality. Social psychologist Gus CUNY of the University of Pennsylvania says that we suffer a novelty penalty when we discuss something new compared to an already familiar subject. The article notes, "during one experiment, participants were placed into groups of three while alone. Each member watched one of two short videos which either described the intelligence of crows or the creation of specialist soda pops. The trio then met in their group and one member.

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The speaker was asked to describe the video he or she had seen while the others listen for two minutes. Surprisingly, the listeners preferred to hear the speakers describing the video they had already seen while they remained distinctly underwhelmed. If he spoke about the unfamiliar clip despite the fact it was providing fresh information that they had not heard before. Kooney argues that the novelty penalty arises from the informational gaps in our conversation". Now, this doesn't mean that you always need to keep the subject to something familiar to the other when you are in conversation.

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It does mean that you may want to be careful about straying too far from what might be familiar to them.

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It's not even about keeping others from being uncomfortable. It's about knowing how people want to connect and being able to do that when you do share something that might be unfamiliar to them, like a new place that you have visited or a new experience you've had. You want to try to paint as vivid a picture as possible and tell a compelling story. The main thing here is to be mindful of what connects with the other person and what might cause their mind to drift off to somewhere else.

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I don't think this is being manipulative, nor is it giving up who we are as a person.

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I think it's just being wise about how we build connections with others.

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The fourth step to building deeper connections is to not be afraid to go deep. Eppley's research shows that people like the chance to explore their innermost thoughts and feelings even when talking to perfect strangers, the article writes, "Eppley's team asked pairs of participants who had not met previously to discuss questions such as if a Crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, your future, or anything else, what would you want to know beforehand? Most participants feared the exchanges would be painfully awkward, yet the conversation flowed far more smoothly than they had predicted.

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They also felt a greater sense of connection with their conversation partners than they had thought possible, and this was also accompanied by a happier mood following the exchange.

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In general, the participants were much more interested in their conversation partners, innermost thoughts and feelings than each had initially imagined." One of the reasons I don't go deep with others is I don't want to upset them as a person, but what this research shows is that people do want to share more deeply and will be grateful when we ask again. Remember to be curious in a respectful and helpful way. Another thing that can be helpful is to remember that we are only responsible for ourselves.

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So if we ask somebody about something and they don't want to share, they can tell us or if it makes them uncomfortable, then we can back off self-differentiation is knowing where I end and the other begins and being willing to go deeper in conversation while keeping this in mind can help us to build stronger relationships.

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The fifth step to building deeper connections is to value tactful honesty over mindless kindness. So if step four is about going deep with others so that they can share their innermost thoughts, feelings, and values, step five is about being willing to share honestly about ourselves. The article quotes a study by Emma Levine from the University of Chicago and Taya Cohen from Carnegie and Allen University who took 150 participants and divided them into three groups. The first group was asked to be completely honest in all of their conversations, both at home and at work for the next three days.

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The second were told to be kind, caring, and considerate for that same amount of time while the third was encouraged to behave normally, you'd think that the honest group would end up offending others and potentially damaging relationships.

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But what Levine and Cohen found was that the honest group actually scored just as highly on measures of pleasure and social connection as those who are told to be kind and considerate. More importantly, they often found meaning in these honest conversations. The article continues, "In follow-up experiments, Cohen asked pairs of friends, colleagues, or spouses to open up about personal issues, such as the last time they cried or the issues with their current relationship. In each case, the honest communication proved to be far more constructive than people predicted, and the benefits of the candid disclosure on their overall wellbeing continued for at least a week afterwards, these conversations were having downstream positive effects on the relationships. Cohen says it was a valuable experience."

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This is the essence of selfdifferentiation. It's being willing to express what we think and believe in a healthy way. I find that when I do this, I can actually enjoy conversations more because I can be honest and I don't have to keep my guard up. And I find that taking that dose of humility is always helpful. When I want to be honest.

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Remember that the author says tactful honesty over mindless kindness couching your honesty with phrases like I might be wrong or you don't have to agree with me is always helpful. To me this is one of the most valuable lessons about being self differentiated. It actually makes life more meaningful. We can have deeper conversations with people, deeper relationships because we can be honest and because we care enough about the other to know what's going on with them. Being able to do this as a nonanxious leader not only helps us as people, but as leaders.

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Sure, we want to know the techniques to help us be a nonanxious presence in those nonanxious situations, but it is so much more than that. We want to be Proactive and we want to cultivate healthy relationships. This is what nonanxious leader do. That's it for episode 150. Don't forget if you want to see the ten episodes that will help you review Family Systems Theory or if you are new to this podcast and want to know where to get started, check out thenonanxiousleader.com/podcast, and you can find the show notes at thenonanxiousleader.com/150.

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Until next time, thanks and goodbye.