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Welcome to Episode 124 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama, and today's episode is the first of two parts on differentiation of self. I want to thank Dr. Brian Iv0ry, who is a member of the Non-Anxious Leader Network. He has led two different book-study groups on my book, "If You Met My Family, You'd Understand." He is always coming up with great resources for learning family systems theory. Brian sent me a slide deck from a presentation by Mindy Reynolds, who is the Synodical Minister for Healthy Leadership and Wellness in the Virginia Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America.

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I didn't actually get to see the presentation, but I'm looking at the slide deck and it's really good stuff. I don't make this stuff up. People know a lot more about it than me. But what I like to do is look at what people present and then break it down in ways that are easy to understand. So that's what I'm going to do today and next week.

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I want to start with an observation about the terms self-differentiation and differentiation of self. As I have worked through family systems theory, I find that I have not seen anybody who studied Murray Bowen use the term self-differentiation. That is a term that I picked up from Edwin Friedman's book "Generation to Generation." He prefers the term self-differentiation, whereas people who have studied Bowen theory use the term differentiation of self. Mindy Reynolds comes out of the Bowen school.

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To be clear, these two terms are synonymous. Self-differentiation and differentiation of self, as you would imagine, refer to the same things. Murray Bowen is the one who developed family systems theory. Edwin Friedman applied it to congregational life and leadership in those congregational systems. Besides being helpful in my own family of origin, it really is this application to leadership in systems that has been most helpful to me.

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One of the early slides in Mindy Reynold's presentation is a definition from Rod Smith on differentiation of self. I want to quote it in pieces and break down each of the pieces, because I think these are different angles on self-differentiation than I usually present.

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Smith defines differentiation of self as, "A progressive internal interplay between autonomy (separation) and connection (togetherness) while progressing toward developing and known goals."

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So the first part of this is about this interplay that goes on inside of us between autonomy and connection, between separation and togetherness. As you might guess, I would understand autonomy and separation to describe what we would call self-definition.

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Certainly autonomy speaks to the ability to find self separation, at least to the fact that a self-differentiated person does not get sucked in to the forces of surrounding togetherness pressure. Also on the end of the self-definition part of the scale is understanding one's own goals while they are developing. The ability to develop one's own goals and stay focused on them, even when there is pressure to conform, is an important part of self-differentiation.

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The Smith quote continues,"...not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop."

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At the other end of this spectrum, Smith uses the terms, connection and togetherness. These are the pressures to conform to the values and norms of the system in which one is functioning, whether that's a family of origin, a congregation or an organization. It's important to remember that connection is positive and togetherness can be helpful, however, in the extreme, they make it impossible to self-differentiate. What Smith is saying is that when we do not differentiate, we are fused, we are not able to be a separate person with the system and with others in relationship in the system. So the idea of fusion is that we are unable to be a separate person.

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Smith quote closes with "To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence."

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Smith emphasizes the point that self-differentiation not only maximizes your own growth, but it has a positive effect on the people around you in the systems in which you function.

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If you haven't seen the Apple TV series, "Ted Lasso," it's definitely worth watching. It is the most entertaining show that I've seen in the last year. Ted Lasso is the epitome of self-differentiation. He's also paradoxical and playful in the best sense of the words. He is what Friedman would describe as paradoxical and playful. If you want to see what that looks like, watch Ted Lasso. What I want to highlight is the opening of each show where the theme song plays and Lasso is sitting in the empty stadium of the English premier football team that he will be coaching.

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As the theme song plays, you see the seats around him change colors. This is a metaphor for the power of a non-anxious presence. A non-anxious presence is not only able to maximize her own personal growth, but she also has a positive impact on those around her. Ironically, this comes not from focusing on others, but from managing self in healthy ways.

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If you think of self-differentiation as a spectrum with one end having individuality, self-definition, autonomy and separation, and at the other end are community, emotional connection, togetherness and fusion, then we realize that in each of those, the first three terms are positive. Self-definition, autonomy and individuality are good. Community, emotional connection and togetherness are good. But to the extremes they become bad. That's separation, which can end up in emotional cut off. And that's fusion, which can end up in losing self to the will of the system and those in it.

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When we look at scales like this, where differentiation of self is at one end and individuality, self-definition and autonomy are there, you would think that you want to get all the way over to that end.

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But we cannot live without emotional connection. We cannot live without community and togetherness. The question is, what is the sweet spot? And I would say the sweet spot leans towards individuality and autonomy. But if we go too far, we end up being cut off. So somehow we want to be living in the tension between the two in a healthy way.

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One question is, how well do people do this? Reynolds presentation includes another spectrum, another continuum, which she calls the differentiation of self scale.

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I have talked about this before in family systems theory. You can think of self-differentiation on a scale of 0 to 100. Zero would be the least differentiated and 100 would be the maximum. According to the presentation, which presumably comes out of Murray Bowen's own studies, most of the population scatters below 30 percent differentiated. Let me say that again, most of the population will be able to act in differentiated ways less than 30 percent of the time.

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According to the presentation, 50 percent is unusual and 75 percent would occur once in several hundred years. You've probably heard me quote Edwin Friedman before, saying that the best we can hope for is 70 percent. I did not realize that, according to Bowen, that 70 or 75 percent self-differentiation is a once in a several hundred year phenomenon. I know in my own case, I am happy if I can differentiate even half the time.

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Of course, differentiation on a scale such as this is not really measurable because it's complicated and it's contextual. You may be able to differentiate in some situations, but not in others. And as I have said before, my experience is that the higher the perceived emotional stakes, the harder it is to differentiate. I share this with you, not because I want you to think, "Well, I will never be that self-differentiated," but to give you hope so you would understand that you are not unusual. We are not unusual. It's hard to be a non-anxious presence. It's hard to be self-differentiated, especially as a leader. That gives me hope that I can work on myself and get better at it.

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According to Reynolds' presentation, at the lower end of the differentiation of self scale would be considered lower functioning, not functioning in healthy ways. And at the lower end of the scale, there is more anxiety, more relationship fusion, more emotional/thinking fusion and greater concern about others opinions. I think you get the idea of anxiety and relationship fusion. Relationship fusion is the idea that you are not able to be a self in the midst of another's pressure to conform to what they want. And certainly I think you would understand the idea of having concern about other people's opinions.

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This idea of emotional/thinking fusion is really important. When we are functioning on the lower end of the differentiation scale, we are more driven by our feelings. In other words, this is the amygdala hijack. This is when our feelings and our emotions take over our responses to different situations. This is when we are reactive or adaptive. On the other hand, when we are able to separate our feelings and think clearly, we may be able to have a different response.

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So at the lower end of the scale, there is emotional/thinking, fusion. Our thinking gets fused into what we are feeling and that causes our responses. So in general, the less differentiated we are, the more we are driven by external forces and our emotional reactions to them. As I said, this is reactivity and adaptivity. This is the amygdala hijack. This is when our feelings take over our decisions, and those usually don't end well.

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According to Reynolds, at the higher end of the differentiation of self scale, when there is higher functioning, there is less anxiety, less relationship fusion, less emotional/thinking fusion and less concern about others' opinions.

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The important thing about healthy functioning is it is OK to choose connection and togetherness, but we have to be willing to own that and take responsibility for our decision. If we choose connection and are resentful, angry and anxious, it's not healthy and that would be considered lower functioning.

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My wife Jodi loves gardening. She does most of it, but there are certain things that are just difficult for her. So when she asks me to help, I could say, "Well, gardening is not my thing, so I'm going to choose to do something else."

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Yes, that would be self-differentiated, but it could also result in a smack in the head. Just kidding. Seriously, though, just because lawn and garden work is not my thing, my relationship with my wife is probably the second most important thing in my life, second only to my relationship with God. Therefore, I typically choose to help her out, and I like it. I like getting things accomplished. I like being with her. I like that it helps her out and makes her feel good because it makes me feel good. I do this to enable her to follow her passion.

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The most important thing about moving up the scale of differentiation is to be able to decide things based on your own goals and values. And in the example I just gave, one of my values is to be connected to my wife. I take responsibility for that. I'm not resentful. I'm quite happy with it, even though lawn and gardens aren't my thing.

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I will finish this episode by reiterating that the tension between individuality and togetherness, between autonomy and connection, is something we all have to navigate. And the ability to live in that tension and to find that sweet spot between being an individual, being autonomous and being connected, being together. That is to me what it means to be a non-anxious presence. We can be non-anxious, but we are also emotionally present. That is what non-anxious leaders do.

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It is a lifelong work. If we can get somewhere above that 30 percent, we're going to be ahead of most people. If we can get to near 50 percent, we're going to be exceptional and will be exceptional in a way that helps others, because we know that being a non-anxious presence helps everybody in the system. It's not just for ourselves, it's for everyone. That's it for Episode 124, we will pick this up next week in part two of my unpacking of Mindy Reynolds' presentation on differentiation of self.