“Now, with God’s help, I shall become myself.”

Søren Kierkegaard

My early experience in the work world was in the auto industry. It was common for someone to work 40+ years, retire at age 65, then die six months after retirement. Most of us assumed they didn’t have much of a life outside of their work world and the stress of living without it resulted in serious health problems.

Pastors can experience the same thing. I had a colleague tell me that her transition from pastoral ministry to retirement was difficult. She shared the comment of another pastor who said it’s like being put out to pasture and no longer needed.

Self-differentiation has two components, self-definition and emotional connection. When who we are is tied up in what we do, a major change like retirement disrupts both elements causing one to feel adrift and without purpose.

We often define ourselves based on our roles. Pastor, mother, father, leader, spouse, daughter, son, executive director, sibling. The list goes on and on, but most roles include work or family.

At first glance, you would think that family roles are much more stable than work roles. But even those roles eventually change as people die, not to mention disruption through other means such as conflict and divorce.

Family systems theory is helpful because it focuses self-definition on values, which transcend our roles. Healthy self-definition enables us to apply what we believe to any situation, regardless of our roles. Values such as faith, compassion, justice, stewardship or integrity (just to name of few), can be guiding principles which we apply in our relationships and our families.

Self-definition based on values helps us to think in terms of who we want to be, not so much what we do. We’re human beings, not human doings. When we understand ourselves in this way, we can better apply our values to what we do.

Life’s transitions are still hard. All change is loss. But being intentional about how we define ourselves can reduce the chances that we are blind-sided by the inevitable changes that come our way.

The Kierkegaard quote at the top of this post is the essence of self-differentiation. Self-definition is not dependent on our work, family or any other system of which we are a part. It is sacred work that we do to become who we are meant to be. This quote inspired my podcast sign-off. “Go be yourself.”

May it be so.