We went dress shopping at the mall recently. Two of our nieces got married this fall, so there was pressure to find the right dress (first world problem). This also raises the issue that a man can wear the same suit (maybe change the shirt or tie), but a woman wouldn’t dare wear the same dress to two weddings a month apart. Anyway, I digress.

We were in Macy’s and, mercifully, found a dress (by the way, if you ever need a dress, they have the biggest selection; it’s where I always go…with my wife). We went to the cash register and the woman who was helping us was barely engaged. She was doing her job but was either looking down or looking at the register. It was irritating.

I was reminded of this when I read Seth Godin’s recent blog post, “Irritated is a choice.” If you get my Two for Tuesday emails, you may have already seen it. I’m going to quote the entire blog post here:

“It’s a choice because you’re on this path by choice.

And it’s a choice because the act of being irritated involves the story we tell ourselves. People are rarely irritated by gravity, because gravity got here before us.

If you’re telling yourself a story that leads to you being irritated, you’re welcome to change your story.”

Back to Macy’s. Halfway through the transaction, it became clear that the woman was looking down at her phone. She then picked it up, put it to her ear and said firmly, “I get off at eight and I don’t want him going to bed before I get home!”

My perspective changed instantly. My mind imagined a relative, a grandmother, aunt or sibling, babysitting a young boy. I felt for the cashier who just wanted to see her son, maybe for the only time that day. I was no longer irritated. Perspective is everything.

This, along with Seth’s blog post, was a helpful reminder.

We rarely know what’s going on in the lives of others. When someone starts acting out or unleashing their anxiety, it’s always good to pause before reacting. Ask yourself, “I wonder what’s going on with them that they are acting this way.” This is not so you can excuse their behavior, it’s so you can control your own reaction.

I often tell the story of a woman who lit into me on Christmas Eve because we had changed the service. Instead of the traditional songs and carols, we were doing a readers’ theatre. We had four younger people (they were middle-aged, but young for this congregation) dressed in black, sitting on barstools with music stands, reading a dramatic presentation of the Christmas story. I thought it was pretty cool. She didn’t and let me know it.

I could have debated the merits of the service with her. But getting into the content of the issue when someone else is acting out is a trap. The emotional process of someone unleashing their anxiety on you is a clue that there’s something else going on. If they are defining their own position in a non-anxious way, then that’s healthy. Feel free to engage in the content. But if they’re defining you and/or blaming in an anxious way, then stay away from content. It’s process not content.

Back to the woman. I was able to self-regulate and avoid getting defensive or argumentative. By the grace of God, I was able to stay connected without arguing or agreeing. I simply said, “I can always count on you to tell me how you feel.” She agreed and went off in a huff.

After the service I asked our lay leader if everything was OK with this woman. He told me that her daughter had died two years prior around Christmas.

Perspective is everything.

If I had debated the merits of the Christmas Eve service, we might still be arguing about something. But that’s content. The emotional process was that she was grieving and complaining about the service was a good outlet for her pain.

I visited her the following week. The service never came up. Instead we talked about her daughter. We deepened our connection.

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. Except when it’s not. For those who are suffering, it intensifies the pain. I love that some churches do a “Blue Christmas” service for those who are hurting. But sometimes people aren’t always able to even identify or articulate what’s going on. It might be an opportunity for us to show God’s grace and love to a friend, relative or even someone we don’t really know.

Perspective is everything.