A friend and colleague recently shared that he had been estranged from his brother for nearly two decades. They had been very close growing up. He doesn’t know what precipitated the cut off. As he said, “I must have done something to offend him.”

Then their stepfather and mother died in the same year. When their stepfather died, there was no change in the relationship. But when their mother died later that year, things changed. The brother asked my friend to officiate the funeral. The cut off ended. Things aren’t what they used to be, but reconciliation is in process.

Life-cycle ceremonies such as funerals, weddings, graduations and baptisms open possibilities for reconciliation. This is because they break the patterns of behavior that keep a family system stuck. They cause us to reflect on our mortality, the brevity of life and the importance of family. The pause in patterns of functioning creates opportunities to rework relationships. Reconciliation is just one possibility. Learning to stand up for one’s self in a healthy way or deciding to no longer overfunction for other family members are other examples of reworking relationships.

As with anything, the challenge is to remain a non-anxious presence. If you can do this, you can help your family to grow healthier. Here are three suggestions.

Self-Regulate

Reactivity is rarely helpful. It’s often what’s gotten you into the situation to begin with. Regardless of what anxiety you might encounter, reacting defensively, with anger or with blame will make things worse. Keeping your own anxiety in check is essential to creating healthy emotional space. This creates an opportunity for people to function differently.

The problem with reactivity is that it occurs without our even thinking. It’s automatic. Reminding on a regular basis to respond intentionally is a good practice. In fact, I’ve found that this is helpful regardless of the situation. Whenever I put my foot in my mouth it’s because I’ve spoken without thinking. Pausing to think is simple, but it’s not easy. But the more you do it, the easier it gets. Which leads to the next suggestion.

Listen

The best way to create healthy emotional space is to listen. When things get tense, rather than reacting with a statement, ask an open-ended question, which begins with who, what, where, when or how.

“What makes you feel that way?”
“How long has this been happening?”
“What would you do differently?”

This type of listening is helpful in any situation, tense or otherwise. It shows that you care about another without trying to define them. It helps you to get a sense for what the other is thinking and feeling, as well as helps you to learn more about the situation. To the extent that you can practice this in less anxious situations, you’ll get better at doing it when things are really tense.

Self-Differentiate

This would seem obvious, if you are into family systems theory. But it takes awareness and intentionality. Self-differentiation is the opposite of reactivity. It often requires every bit of courage and preparation we can muster. But this is the key to creating opportunities for positive change.

There are two helpful ways to think of self-differentiation.

First, say what you believe, while giving others the freedom to disagree. “Here’s what I think. You don’t have to agree with me. I just feel like it’s important to share.”

Second, define yourself (not other people), while remaining emotionally connected. “Here’s what I think. Even if we don’t agree, I want to make sure you know how much I care about you.”

This doesn’t come naturally for me. In really challenging situations it helps for me to think in advance about how things might go, how others might respond, and how I might express myself in the healthiest way. I’m not always prepared, but I’m more prepared than I would be if I just reacted.

If I haven’t thought in advance about what’s happening, I try to remember to pause and reflect (self-regulate), This provides an opportunity to express what I believe in a healthy way or ask a question.

We can only self-regulate and listen for a certain amount of time before we will have to self-define, to say what we’re thinking. If we can self-differentiate, then we’ve done all we could.

Not every life-cycle ceremony will facilitate positive change. There are a lot of variables involved. What’s pretty certain is that if nobody self-differentiates, then change is unlikely.

It might as well be you. You’ll be a better leader because of it.