[00:00:34.110]
Welcome to Episode 125 of the Non-anxious leader podcast, this is the second part and a two part series on another look at differentiation of self. If you haven't listened to part one, please go back to Episode 124 and check that out first.

[00:00:52.280]
Last week, I covered Two Different Ways To Think About Self-differentiation. One was a scale or a continuum with self-definition and separateness at one end and emotional connection and togetherness at the other somewhere. There is a sweet spot between the two of these extremes for each of us where we can be true to our beliefs and values while staying connected to others. The second thing I covered last week was the scale of Self-differentiation, which goes from zero to 100 percent. The majority of the population differentiates less than 30 percent of the time.

[00:01:34.130]
Fifty percent is exemplary and 75 percent is an outlier. My takeaway is to encourage you that when you are reactive, adaptive, or when you don't take responsibility for yourself, you are just doing what most humans do. As I have said before, just being aware of your functioning and more intentional about it will increase your functioning significantly. It will likely move you closer to that 50 percent, which is great in this episode. I'm going to finish unpacking the presentation by Mindy Reynolds.

[00:02:14.810]
Differentiation of self to be or not to be. I'm going to look at two concepts that she includes in her presentation. The first is the idea of the Pseudo-self and the second is the three legged stool of Self-differentiation. In her presentation, Reynolds defined the pseudo or functional self as, "the part of ourselves that participates in the relationship exchange involved in fusions. It is the immature, automatic, thoughtless reactivity in us. It is where most of us live most of the time.

[00:02:57.110]
It lets in the anxiety from the system. It borrows self from another or gives up self to another". I like how Reynolds uses the term relationship exchange. From this, I get that this is when we are giving up a part of ourselves to the pressure to conform around us. In exchange, we get greater connection with others in the system, especially those who are creating the SURROUNDING TOGETHERNESS PRESSURE. The problem with this type of relationship exchange is that it's done without thinking, it's when our emotions, our feelings are in control and we give in to surrounding togetherness pressure.

[00:03:38.930]
This is what Reynolds says is the process of Fusion relationship exchange can result in fusion taken to the extreme when our pseudo-self is in control and we are constantly giving up who we are to conform to the system and the desires of others, then we move in the direction of fusion. This idea that we are borrowing self from others means that we are not the ones deciding, but we are letting our own feelings and anxiety take over in giving in to others.

[00:04:11.270]
This is opposed to the basic self. Reynolds says that the basic or Solid-self, "vice with pseudo-self against togetherness and for individuality, it is the best that is in us. The basic self takes I positions, stances such as these are my beliefs and convictions. This is what I am and who I am and what I will do or not do". Your basic self knows your goals and values and who you are, it's able to express these and healthy ways, of course, that is when you are able to stay away from the forces of the pseudo-self.

[00:04:56.450]
Reynolds goes on to say about the Pseudo-self, "It has permeable boundaries whereby self and anxiety leak through easily. And the less differentiated the person is on the scale, the more permeable the boundaries and vice versa. Guiding principles are absorbed from the culture, parents and other important systems. I love the metaphor here of permeable boundaries, that is anxiety leaks in to our thoughts and who we are. Similarly, our own anxiety can leak out into the system.

[00:05:34.790]
So these permeable boundaries allow anxiety from the system to come in and influence who we are. And our own anxiety gets released into the system, making things more difficult not only for us to function, but for those around us. This anxiety often comes in the form of the pressure to conform, and it can take over our own sense of who we are, what we believe and what we want to do. It makes me think of anxiety as a force that can pierce the boundaries and allow all of the surrounding togetherness pressure to influence who we are and what we do.

[00:06:13.970]
The essential idea here is that the PSEUDO-SELF is so susceptible to the norms, values and anxiety in the system and the people around us that it can easily overwhelm our basic self. Reynolds says, "The boundaries of the basic self are not permeable, since the basic self does not take part in exchanges of self or anxiety in relationships. The basic self takes on the others emotions by choice, it is not an automatic response. The self is guided by actual thought through principles that are in the awareness of the person.

[00:06:53.330]
Inherent in this idea of the basic self, besides knowing who you are, is the ability to self regulate. Taking on the norms of the system is not automatic. You can choose to do it, but it is a choice that you make in favor of togetherness over individuality in a particular case. The basic self is about who you are, what you believe and where you want to go, and those things don't change unless you make conscious decisions after reflecting on situations that you encounter.

[00:07:26.890]
It's not that your basic self is unyielding. It's that you are firm in your convictions. And there are conscious decisions as to how to follow those and when you will diverge from them. One way to look at these two types of selves, the pseudo-self and the basic self, is that the Pseudo-self lives at the end of the continuum, at the end of the spectrum, that favors togetherness. And the basic self lives at the end of the spectrum, that favors individuality.

[00:08:00.490]
And as I have said before, I think if you live at one end or the other to the extreme, you are going to encounter problems either by losing yourself to the surrounding togetherness pressure or by being so much of a self that you have no emotional connection. The difference is that when you move in the direction of togetherness with your basic self in control, you are doing it consciously, you are doing it intentionally. You are doing it to foster emotional connection.

[00:08:31.570]
When you are moving towards togetherness because of anxiety, because of pressure to conform, then your pseudo-self is the one that is in control, and that is when you encounter difficulties functioning in healthy ways.

[00:08:49.320]
The other concept I want to unpack from Reynold's presentation is the Three Legged Stool of Differentiation of Self. These are self-definition, self-regulation, and self other. Now the third one's self other I would describe as emotional connection because it's not as clear as self-definition and self-regulation. So you might think of the three legs as self-definition, self-regulation, and emotional connection.

[00:09:21.330]
The idea of a three legged stool is that you have to have all three legs for it to be stable. If one of them is missing, things will be quite unstable. And if two legs are missing, you will be on the brink of disaster. If you think about the scale of self-differentiation and that most people are functioning at less than 30 percent, then we can guess that at best they have two legs of the stool, but maybe only one, maybe they are not able to self define and they are not able to self regulate and they are only focused on emotional connection. Maybe they have self-definition, but no emotional connection and no self-regulation. These are the highly anxious people who go off on people all the time with no awareness of the impact that they have on others. But you get the idea here that even when we are functioning more towards Self-differentiation, when we may have two of the three legs, we are still not functioning and completely healthy ways.

[00:10:27.560]
When we are able to have all three, self-definition this is who I am, self-regulation, keeping things in control and not reacting automatically and emotional connection, showing that we care about other people even if we are not in agreement, then we are able to function in healthy ways that's when we are able to self-differentiated. As I've said before, Self-definition is knowing what you believe, knowing your goals and values and where you want to go. When you're able to self-defined, you are more likely to at least go in the direction where you want to go. However, if you don't have self regulation and emotional connection, you won't be able to do it in healthy ways.

[00:11:17.860]
Self-regulation is the ability to control our emotional processes, we are able to be calm and reflective and think instead of allowing our feelings to drive our actions, we're able to do this without blaming or attacking, we're able to do this by taking responsibility for self. When you are self-regulating, you are able to get the thinking part of your brain in gear before the feeling part takes over, you are able to then make conscious choices rather than reacting. I have found over these last four or five years, as I've really dug deeply into Family systems theory, that this idea of pausing, of stopping, of being able to control the really physical reactivity that goes on inside of me is the most important thing.

[00:12:11.750]
If I can just pause and stop that amygdala hijack, if I can just pause and allow my thinking brain a chance to catch up, then I have a chance. And when I don't, it's never good. When we lack self regulation and we lack self-definition, we don't really know who we are, what we believe, or it's not able to come to the surface that results in adaptivity, we give in when we lack self-regulation, but we have self-definition, as I said before, that results in reactivity, we know what we want, but we aren't able to express it in a healthy way, we get angry or we get anxious and unleash that anxiety on others.

[00:12:55.140]
The third leg of the three legged stool is the self other or, as I say, emotional connection. If you are self-defined and self-regulated, but you are not emotionally connected, you may not unleash anxiety into the system. But believe me, the system will get anxious because you have withdrawn emotionally.

[00:13:16.970]
This is especially true as a leader. As a leader.If you are not able to connect emotionally with those on the team that you serve, it will increase the anxiety in the system. The holy trinity of this three legged stool is to have all three in appropriate measures. We know what we believe and where we want to go. We're able to control our primitive brain and our automatic reactions and think through our choices. And we are able to express it in healthy ways that show that we care, that enable us to stay connected to others.

[00:13:55.320]
I've said this before, but just having some ways to start the conversation can be really helpful. Of course, listening is always the best way to stay connected, ask open-ended questions. It's also a way to regulate your own anxiety. You're not self-defining, but you're staying connected and you're self-regulating. And you will give yourself a chance to express yourself in a healthy way at the appropriate time. And as I have shared before, I have a couple go to sayings that I use when I do have to take a non-anxious emotional stand, when I do have to self define one of them is I may be wrong, but by just saying I may be wrong, it creates a little bit more emotional space to say you don't have to agree with me. And that's the other saying I use.

[00:14:46.440]
We don't have to agree or you don't have to agree with me. But here's what I believe saying those two things enable you to create some emotional space so that the other person doesn't feel like you are trying to define her. That's the big difference in not being reactive, not allowing our own anxiety to make things worse. If we can define ourselves and not define others, then we are able to rely on that three legged stool.

[00:15:15.690]
We are self defining, we are self-regulating and we are staying connected. We are showing the other person that we care enough about them, not to define them, not to tell them what they have to believe, not to tell them what they have to do, but to be able to say, here's where I am. If you're in a different place, that's OK. To the extent that somebody is more differentiated, they will be able to accept that to the extent that they're not, they're going to get more anxious and reactive.

[00:15:47.280]
However, if you can maintain a non-anxious presence even with that reactive response, then you give the relationship a chance to grow. Sometimes it just means saying, you know, I care about you too much to argue over this. These guidelines, these principles of a three legged stool or understanding differentiation of self are not super difficult to understand. The difficulty is actually putting them into practice. That is why so many people function at less than 30 percent self-differentiation.

[00:16:22.240]
However, I do believe that just by thinking about it, just by working through it in your mind, you give yourself a chance to do things differently. And if you are able to think through and anticipate situations and have responses prepared, even if you don't pull them off well the first time or even the second time, but if you if you keep working at it, our relationships, whether they're in our family of origin or in a congregation or in a work system, those relationships are very, very resilient.

[00:16:54.910]
People give us a chance after chance just as we give other people chance after chance. So be persistent, be non-anxious, be patient, and continue to work on how you can respond in healthy ways. This is what Non-anxious leaders do and this is how they make a difference. That's it for this week. If you want to connect with me, you can go to Thenonanxiousleader.com. If you have found this helpful, please share it with somebody else. Please let somebody else know about it until next week.

[00:17:28.150]
Thanks and goodbye.