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Welcome to Episode 94 of The Non-Anxious Leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama, and we are going to get right into it. In today's episode, I'm going to unpack the family systems concept of fusion.

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I want to give a nod to the Theory Day series of lectures at the Center for Family Process. I will put a link in the show notes. They just kicked off another series and I attended, via Zoom, a lecture by the Rev. Dr. Katherine Yarnell on the subject of Fusion. I'm not going to regurgitate that lecture to you, but it did add some helpful ideas as well as sparked the idea for this episode. I want to start by distinguishing between two types of fusion.

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I'll call these intrapersonal and interpersonal fusion. In each case, fusion can be thought of as the opposite of self-differentiation. Intrapersonal fusion happens within the individual. It is the inability to separate the emotional and intellectual functioning in an individual. To the extent that a person exhibits intrapersonal fusion, their functioning is dominated by their automatic emotional system. In other words, they are highly reactive. One way to think about this is that emotional functioning is about emotional process and intellectual functioning is about content.

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When one is fused, they can't distinguish the difference. For example, if I get angry because your tone of voice reminds me of being scolded as a child, and I want to lash back, that is the emotional functioning or emotional process side taking over the content. The intellectual function could be anything in this case. But it becomes the focus of my anger because I'm not able to distinguish between the two. In short, intrapersonal fusion is simply a lack of self-differentiation.

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The fusion I want to focus on in this episode is interpersonal fusion.

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This is the inability to differentiate in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. Remember that self-differentiation is the ability to express your own goals and values, in a healthy way. In the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. According to the Family Systems Institute, "Fusion or lack of differentiation is where individual choices are set aside in service of achieving harmony in the system. Fusion is where people form intense relationships with others, and their actions depend largely on the conditions of the relationships at any given time. Decisions depend on what others think and whether the decision will disturb the fusion of the existing relationships."

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In other words, fusion is the tendency to give up self-definition for the sake of emotional connection. It's the inability to make healthy, independent decisions when there is pressure to conform. This type of fusion can occur between two individuals and it can also occur between an individual and a larger group, such as a family of origin, congregation, organization or political party. In either case, to understand how this works, it's important to distinguish between the solid-self and the pseudo-self.

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According to the Bowen Theory Education Center, self-differentiation can be understood in terms of two types of self, the solid-self and the pseudo-self. The solid-self is about self-definition. It is based on clearly defined beliefs, principles and convictions. The solid-self develops over time through intellectual reasoning and life experience. The pseudo-self is based on pressure to conform to a set of group norms, beliefs, principles and values. It's about relationship pressure and emotional connection. Ideally, a self-differentiated person is able to maintain her solid-self AND healthy emotional connection without giving in to the pseudo-self.

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However, this is hard. If we were functioning at our best, we could do this about 70 percent of the time. But most of us never reach that level of self-differentiation. When our pseudo-self controls things, we are less able to take non-anxious emotional stands and we give in to surrounding togetherness pressure. Fusion between two individuals happens when the solid-self gets lost and the pseudo-self takes over. In this case, the identity becomes more about "we" than "I." This is most likely to happen in a marriage or between a parent and a child.

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In either case, individual functioning, the solid-self, gets overshadowed by the pseudo-self. Togetherness and harmony become the most important principles.

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One of my children recently said that my wife and I are always up each other's butts. That would be an indication that we are fused with each other. We do spend a lot of time together, so I can see how she would say that. But there's also a give and take. And one predictor of dysfunction in a fused relationship is that one person is always gaining self and the other person is always losing self. In other words, one person is dominating the relationship and the other is adapting to the pressure to conform.

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When there is fusion in the parent child relationship this is typically the parent who is calling the shots and the child who is adaptive. If it's the opposite, you have a spoiled rotten brat.

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In a case where you have one person gaining self and the other losing self, it is extremely hard for the latter to learn how to differentiate. They will likely continue to adapt and will have trouble self-differentiating in other settings. Or they may get reactive and try to create emotional space by pushing back. In this case, the relationship is characterized by both fusion and conflict.

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An interesting thing to note here is that fusion, an emotional cut-off, are different sides of the same coin. In either case, you have people who are unable to differentiate in healthy ways in the system, whether it is with another person or the norms of the system. Fusion is adaptivity. Giving in to those norms or to the dominant person in the relationship so that one is unable to self-differentiate. Emotional cut-off is running away from, avoiding the relationship or the system, so that one no longer has to try to differentiate; so that one no longer has to worry about taking a non-anxious emotional stand. Cutting off alleviates the pain that's involved with trying to be a self, regardless of how one handles it.

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If the fusion is between an individual and the larger group, whether it's a system, a family, a congregation or an organization, the loss of the solid-self and the taking over of the pseudo-self leads to group cohesion and the herd mentality. When the pseudo-self gets lost to the larger group, this can create a herd mentality.

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An interesting thing that Dr. Yarnell points out is that sometimes this is a good thing. She used the example of a type of zebra that when threatened by a predator packed into as close a group as possible, putting the most vulnerable at the center.

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The idea here is that in crisis situations, group fusion is much more likely and can actually be helpful. When the anxiety is higher, group fusion is more likely. If you've ever experienced a crisis in your family, congregation or organization, you might recall the sense of closeness that occurred as you responded as one to the situation at hand. The problem becomes when the pressure to conform to group norms maintains its intensity even during normal times. This is how a herd mentality develops.

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There is no room for differentiation, for the solid-self, because the group norms dominate functioning. In a herd mentality, members of the system must default to their pseudo-self because there is no room for healthy disagreement or intellectual reasoning. In fact, Dr. Yarnell noted that in group fusion, facts don't matter. This is because emotional functioning, i.e. you're either with us or against us, drowns out any sort of intellectual functioning.

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Two examples of herd mentality right now in the U.S. are Fox News and MSNBC. Each one feeds the herd mentality of a certain viewpoint in our society. The question for the non-anxious leader is how to navigate these most anxious of times.

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The first thing is to distinguish between a crisis situation and more normal times. If it's a crisis, think about whether fusion is appropriate. The more urgent and threatening the situation, the more likely you'll need everybody on board.

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However, I think the vast majority of situations will benefit from more differentiation among all members of the system. For example, even though I consider this pandemic a crisis, it is a slow burning one. Rather than an urgent need to get everybody thinking the same way, I believe having a variety of opinions and having people willing to take non-anxious stands for the sake of the mission is critical.

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Second, if you've followed my work for any amount of time, what I am going to say will sound familiar. When fusion is not appropriate, say what you believe while giving others the freedom to disagree. This is really hard right now, as the election approaches, because tensions are running high.

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I wrote in my blog this past weekend that my grandson and I were going around the neighborhood. He was on his balance bike, and I was walking. It's a really a nice way to be outside and to be together. As we were going, one of our neighbors came out, and we started chatting. Then he pointed to his flag (for his candidate) and he said, "Reverend Jack, that flag is causing me to lose friends. It's causing me problems with my relationships with friends and acquaintances in this neighborhood."

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I looked at him and said, "Well, you know, that I have a sign for the other guy up in my yard. That doesn't have to come between us."

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The idea that we all have to agree is pretty ludicrous. And the fact that we get really worked up about people who disagree with us ought to be some kind of alarm to get us to examine our own ability to take responsibility for self. If we can define ourselves without worrying about defining others, we can be more of a non-anxious leader.

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Whether the system is a family, a congregation, an organization or an entire country, self-differentiated, non-anxious leaders can help lower the overall anxiety.

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Finally, recognize when your herd instincts are kicking in. One way I do this is to consume information with a different viewpoint. I consume a lot of news. And I'd say that I will read an opinion or article from a different viewpoint about 10 percent of the time. It's not a lot, but it's enough to keep me honest. It's enough to remind me that I don't have the only viewpoint and I could perhaps be wrong.

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I even subscribed to a 12 week free trial of a publication that represents a different viewpoint, because I needed to make sure that I wasn't in an echo chamber of opinions that just reinforced my fusion with my herd during this election season. I don't always like what I read, but I think it does me good.

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In summary, fusion can occasionally be a good thing, but most often it works against self-differentiation. Knowing when it's helpful and when it's not can help you be a non-anxious leader, and we need you now more than ever.